just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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