So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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