So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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