You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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