the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
someone owes me an orgasm
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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