just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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