She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
