she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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