Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
