remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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