i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
