his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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