I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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