there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
