A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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