I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
