Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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