I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
