I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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