i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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