i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
