Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
