I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
