Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
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