Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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