He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
