He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
