Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
