...so i touched it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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