Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
