There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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