Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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