How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
