Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
