its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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