I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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