I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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