I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
