haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
