Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
my liver is dry heaving
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
