I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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