My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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