Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
