I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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