Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
