Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
