They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
a search helicopter?!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
