I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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