One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
