Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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