Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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