I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
