he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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