If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
